I woke up early after another disturbed nights sleep!  I’ve given up being frustrated by this now and see this simply as the universes’ way of ‘breaking me in gently’ and preparing me for what may be due to come.  The infamous sleepless nights and general sleep deprivation of parent hood that I hear of all to often from the parents who spend 45 minutes escaping this reality with me every 4/6/8/1o weeks. 45 mins of unadulterated adult only indulgence, a small window of opportunity to regress, to be something other than mum, dad, husband, wife, employee, employer.  There are of course on average 170 days a year when they are deprived of this indulgence.  A time when they have to drag the kids to the salon.  A time when this 45mins is anything but relaxing whilst they try and engage with us all the time ensuring the kids aren’t scaling the chandler or littering the furniture with the holy food, treats saved for such occasions, a token gesture, some may say a small bribe! Small hands of melted chocolate on greens suede sofas, its enough to make anyone a little on edge!

bribe [brʌɪb]
dishonestly persuade (someone) to act in one’s favour by a gift of money or other inducement:
“they attempted to bribe opponents into losing” · [More]
synonyms: buy off · pay off · suborn · give an inducement to · [More]

Today was our 7th day.  One week, 168 hours had passed. Slowly BUT it had passed. Today was the day we were going to find out if we had been given the green light, the right to collect our £200 and pass go. It was also the day I had to play land and gentry and take the car to the local landrover dealership to ‘add blue’. The car I now know is my first pre parenthood mistake of which I’m sure there will be plenty! The schoolboy of all car and child related errors. Not only is it BLACK apparently its common knowledge that black cars and country living are not compatible! Rarely do I get to see the beautiful ‘santorini black’ I naively opted for. I also decide to go for the 3 door option. I’ve already had disagreements trying to get into the back with any degree of ease or decorum. For those of you in the know this is not an ideal situation to be faced with on a daily basis with or without children.

I had assumed that we would hear from Sheila early doors so had booked the  car in for its ‘add blue’ at 12:30 c0nfident by then we would have been told our fate. Sheila would understand how significant this dicision is. She wouldn’t want to prolong it any longer than nessecary, the 7 day quota.

11:30am, nothing. Ive lost count of the times I’ve check the landline as we have no mobile signal in the mobile black hole that is home, so I pace from inside to outside holding my redundant not so smart smart phone in the air desperately seeking a signal. Maybe we gave her the wrong Landline? Maybe they had mislaid our number? Countless possibilities pass through our minds, but still no phone call.

I need to leave, I need to add bloody blue!

I sit uncomfortably in the waiting room making the most of the complimentary water, sparkling too. I’m told it will be around an hour and a half.  I had left Jakk at home, we had agreed if the landline rang unless we were both together we would let it go to voice mail, we would face it together. Neither one of us wanted to be in receipt of the call without the other.

I shift awkwardly from leg to leg, clock watching, ritualistically refreshing my inbox, followed by my junk, still nothing! I’m as comfortable in this waiting room as I am in the dentist chair. Sandwiched awkwardly between the Daily Mail, GQ and  Country Living.


“Hi guys,

Just to say the Director has not got back to me as yet. I will let you know outcome ASAP.

Apologies for the delay.
Best wishes,

Sheila ”

At the same time I’m called by reception to tell me my 3 door santorini black unfit for purpose car is now suitably blue and good to go. I remember sitting in the car feeling numb.  Confused. What was the issue?  Why after 7 long days hadn’t they made their decision.  I convinced myself in that moment I had been to honest.  Like every other time, I hadn’t played the game! This didnt feel fair though, I didn’t feel we were even on the proverbial board, let alone playing.

I quickly fired an email back asking if we should expect to hear back today? Had something gone wrong? Had we done something wrong?


“Hi Steven,

No the hold up is nothing to do with you it’s just a hitch in the process. I have just emailed my manager asking for an update on what is happening.

Go easy. I will let you know what she says as soon as she lets me know ok.”

Go Easy? I appreciate her prompt response and her genuine attempts to reassure but they fell short of the mark. I drove home, running through potential scenarios in my mind as to what could of happened. I told Jakk what had happened, so we waited, despondent.

I felt compelled to email my disappointment that we were being left waiting. I understood these things take time but that didnt ease my frustrations. I also knew by emailing it would keep the lines of communications open! ever the optimist.

op¦ti|mist [ˈɒptɪmɪst]
a person who tends to be hopeful about the future or the success of something:
“only an eternal optimist could expect success”
a person who believes that this world is the best of all possible worlds or that good must ultimately prevail over evil.

Several emails go back and forth.


” Hi Steven

Just to say I will call my manager in the morning and get back to you, she is not available today.

This is not about either of you its just at times the process is longer than others which relates to staff availability and nothing else.

I apologise for the wait as I know this is so important to you both.

I fully appreciate your angst and I can only apologise. The issue about my manager’s unavailability is totally my fault as I completely forgot she doesn’t work on a Monday (I normally work from another counties office which has a different manager )

Go easy and speak soon ”

We had agreed Sheila would call us tomorrow. I explained this wasn’t ideal as we would both be at work until 7pm and didn’t feel it was the type of call we should be taking at work.  The reality was this was our only choice. So Sheila would call, leave a voicemail with the outcome and we would call her Wednesday to be given the finer details of their decision.

Tuesday morning: another sleepless night.

We had agreed we would not pick up the call but instead listen to voicemail when we had finished for the day.

The phone I had strategically placed on the side lit up like a belicia beacon. Silent but oh so loud, unavoidable, mid highlights. I obviously seem distracted as my not so indulged client at that moment suggests “answer it, its ok ” I explained I couldn’t, we had agreed, I couldn’t go back on that, could I?

Moments later:

This has to singlehandedly be the most bizarre set of emotions I’ve ever experienced, for now. Right now I’m staring at a screen thats politely telling me that it holds then news as to whether or not we are deemed potentially suitable adoptive parents…….do we get to finally  pass go or is it straight to jail.

7pm comes we are both filled with anticipation, excitement, dread,THIS IS IT! I place the phone on the coffee table and nervously call my voicemail, I place her on loud speaker:

“Hi guys its Sheila, listen I’m going to keep it short as I will speak to you in more detail when you call but for now…….. ITS GOOD NEWS”

In that spilt second our lives had changed! WE COULD PASS GO, fuck the £200 we get to roll the dice!  I felt like an emotional bung had been pulled! I Cried. I cried in relief. I cried in excitement. I cried in disbelief. I cried and then I cried again.

I called Sheila first thing Wednesday. Sheila explained this next part would be tricky as this was 6-8 weeks of paper work, lots of paper work. Lots of paper work that we were reliant on other people to treat with the same sense of urgency we were. We needed this paperwork to be loved and nurtured, treated with the same love and enthusiasm as a ‘bump’ would this after all was our bump! I was in receipt of possibly some of the loveliest things I’ve ever been told about me singularly and us collectively. She got me, she understood my passion for us to become parents, but more importantly she saw us! She saw our potential.  She spoke of the delight she had in meeting a couple that had so much to give, so many experiences to draw upon, a couple that knew each other so well, inside and out, she believed we would make great parents, refreshed that we were under no disillusions about what to expect from our potential children, our children that were then and are now, out there, waiting like us but more importantly HEALING!

heal [heel]
Spell Syllables
VERB (used with object)
1. to make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; free from ailment.
2. to bring to an end or conclusion, as conflicts between people or groups, usually with the strong implication of restoring former amity; settle; reconcile:
They tried to heal the rift between them but were unsuccessful. free from evil; cleanse; purify:to heal the soul.
VERB (used without object) effect a cure.
5.(of a wound, broken bone, etc.) to become whole or sound; mend; get well (often followed by up or over).









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  1. Emily Reply

    This is such great news! I’m so proud of how far you’ve both come. woooo! It’s finally happening. I’m so glad they saw you guys for exactly who you are! Love you both lots!!

  2. Matthew - meandminimees Reply

    Gosh, that brought back so many memories. Its torture just waiting. This is our lives, and to them we are another case. Brilliant piece. Hope all goes well for you. #FTTWR

    • Steven Reply

      thanks matthew, it certainly a journey right. all going very well social workers very positive we will be matched quickly as their ‘family finding’ team are already getting several requests for our PAR

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